Mr. Hanky Panky, the Christmas Erection

cander's party was fun. you know it'll be interesting when the house punch is called "pink panty droppers"--a lethal combo of tequila, vodka, beer, and lemonade powder. if not panties dropping, then at the very least, standards, and someone was bound to get something. some of the players that night:

mr. peepers: not at all in reference to the SNL monkey man but because this creepy guy lived across the street from can and winn and watches them undress through the windows. when he shook my hand, it felt bizarrely sleazy and made me want anti-bacterial soap even though i didn't know about his reputation yet.
peter, pumpkin eater: so drunk even his eyes looked slurred, and perhaps sober, he would have been quite charming, but in his inebriated stupor, his personality had flatlined. still, he has to get credit for being a naval engineer, so he couldn’t have been so retarded in normal circumstances. made inappropriate invitations to me and stared at my boobs before wandering out of the bar, i'm sure, because he was attempting to find a bathroom and got lost.
jeff, the redneck: whose real name is actually nolan but he shaved his beard in this ugly way for a theme party earlier that day. i guess i can forgive him for that when he was sporting such a fly, pearl-snap button shirt.

aside from peter's embarrassing attempts to publicly procreate with me, and his friend's comments of wishing to be so lucky as to make out with me, i thankfully did not give into the mixed drink's title and walked home by myself before the bars closed.