what i would say

...if Spoons ever asks me to go on a hike or anything else that would mean one-on-one time for longer than 5 minutes:

"Hm, I'm sorry. I'll be busy breathing, and that is going to occupy me for the rest of my life."

At our housewarming party last Friday, he made my roommate's girlfriend bleed, not unlike this picture except she was female and not wearing wrestling attire, during a game of Spoons. He got violent about it because he kept trying to steal all the spoons away from me because I hadn't lost yet, so he would dive across the table and sweep all the spoons willy-nilly into the air and apparently, into people's faces. Total party foul. Also, I can't remember exactly what we were joking about, but then he called me the Missing Link because he is clueless about social boundaries, and it was NOT cool man. My drop-kick-people-in-the-face leg muscles wanted to spring into action, but I was like, ok, no worries, I'll just blackball him from future house get-togethers. Apparently, even his own roommates have the sense of mind to deny knowing our phone number, so what does Attacks-With-Kitchen-Utensils do but keep, coming, over. Who knew sweet innocent Steens would be such a heartbreaker??

I mean I don't really care if he hangs out, I'm just saying I wouldn't go in the middle of the woods for 7 hours with the guy.