Monday, November 21, 2005

"And when I fall, as I always do, I'm crushed by the absence of you."

I couldn't have said it any better than Steens so I won't, but the season's changing and not just the weather although the maelstrom outside is apt symbolism. Elsbeth, Jack, and Dave have already left. The friends we've made here, they're not the kind of people who head for one destination; they go to the world and other places. Elsbeth is on an around-the-world trip in 80 days, Jack docked his boat in Hoonah and is flying to Germany, and Dave has a bike trip to Mexico in the future and wants to teach English abroad. Soon, Seamus will leave for an acting gig traveling around Italy, and Brad will return to Ohio. My heart is heavy, but this is nothing new. I am most surprised when a day passes, and I don't feel the weight of it. Like I said, Steens already described the feeling perfectly: you're not supposed to feel left behind when you're in the middle of your own new adventure. And yet here we are looking out from the midst of our own and wondering what we're supposed to do now.

I haven't talked about this guy who's obsessed with me. He told me he loved me after 3 days. Some days I get 10 messages of him just repeating it, sometimes with guitar accompaniment. He calls just to hear my voice on the recording. Dave said the drama will escalate before it subsides. The cops have already been called, and my cell phone's turned off more often than not. Regardless, my inbox is full so I can't be distracted with 31 text messages a day. His brother was killed. I don't really know why I mention this, except maybe because of another reason why my heart hurts lately.

"Why didn't you tell me?"
"... Because I'm a bad person..."
"No you're not. You're my favorite person."


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