why do you hold your hands back when you see yourself falling?

Lyrics: Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh look now, there you go with hope again
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end
Reading: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers

Sometime in the Past: February killed me, March held my hand, April let it go. I drank a lot of wine, the blood of the French; I changed my voicemail message to say, "I've lost faith in people. Don't bother leaving a message because it's too late." Some boys thought they could try to change my mind and tried affection, surprises, movie-worthy declarations of feelings. I turned them all down because my heart had left with his departing sails. I stared into far distances and traveled even further, a girl with the pirouetting heart. When I returned from journeys, I kissed a boy I didn't even like and I watched myself burn a year away, to the lowest blue flame before nothing.

this pen is pressed from the pressure of thought: what is it about nights that are blood, colors that won't fade, and emotions that flood my heart in rivulets of silver? how can i explain the intimacy we saved? how i used to say your name like a delicacy i craved?

why say you love when you won't? why do i trust when i don't?