I have never said 'crazy' this many times before.

Last night, I had the craziest random phone call in the world. Ever. Seriously. I cannot stress this enough because it was. Crazy. Around 10pm, the house phone rings, and I'm sort of spacing out and didn't recognize the voice so I asked if the caller wanted my roommate.

"Is this Valorie?" weird voice asks.
"Yeah... who is this?"
"It's *****. Do you remember me?"
"...... no..... Can you refresh my memory?"
"We met at Clau, two years ago."

Oh my god. I went to this crappy trendy Cinci club one time because some friends dragged me to it, and I ended up flirting with this barback, pressing my number in his hesitant hands. Call me, I had insisted. Maybe a week or two later, he did, and we hung out for one night. I had to even sort of convince him just to do so because it was blizzarding and icy, and he didn't live that near me, and then I had to walk to meet him in the snow because he was too lazy to find my door. And I mean all these things which scream lack of interest does NOT, in any parallel bizarro world or this one, translate into straight-from-left-field phone calls two years later.

Now I was already speechless; I couldn't wrap my mind around how he got my house number, why he was even calling me after so long, and part of me also kept thinking my ex was putting me on somehow. Like he would suddenly come on the line and yell, "You dirty skank whore #$!@#" or something crazy. So when ***** suddenly asked me, "What kind of panties are you wearing??", I was already in such an elevated state of shock that it didn't initially occur to me to be surprised by this question.

So I'm thinking, 'Is he joking or he is seriously trying to have phone sex with me??'

"I want you to wear them for two days then mail it to me. Would you do that? Can I text you my address tomorrow??"

Phone sex it is then.

"oh my god, you are CRAZY!!! You practically ignoring me once a long time ago then calling me after I move to Alaska two years later is crazy! You finding out my home phone number in Juneau is crazy! You asking me for my underwear like I am a mail-order service is crazy!! Go away!"

"I've got a secret to tell you... I've been using this pump. And I can [**this sentence has been censored by your Internet provider**] in my mouth."

"Sick!!! You're crazy! I'm hanging up, bye!!"