my hands were intertwined

in the beginning of things, he had looked at me and said, i don't look for the good in you. i just look at you, and i like who's there.

the start of a love song come undone.

the tricky thing about love and a relationship ending is that people often say, for consolation to friends or themselves, "he/she doesn't deserve you." but i thought love, in its ideal form, wasn't supposed to be something akin to a reward. you get this for being who i want you to be. you show me receipts of good deeds and perhaps i will deem you worthy. love is not an obligation or a matter of reciprocity.

society and religion, the two biggest factors molding a person's principles and morals, offer (even within themselves) conflicting ideas.
Giant Love Idea #1: Unconditional Love
your parents and god love you no matter what. they love you despite of and because of who you are.
Giant Love Idea #2: Justified Love
you want your parents to be proud of who you become, which in essence, is grounded on their expectations of you. unless they read khalil gibran, and if so good for them! in christianity, you live your life accordingly so that on Judgment Day at the pearly gates, you are allowed entrance into god's kingdom.

but you think, weren't you supposed to love me unconditionally? to understand and support my struggle in the brief human existence?' but all along behind the pretense of a love with no strings attached, tallies have been taken, and you have been measured on an invisible scale. maybe you had been good -- but not good enough. you love someone and it ends and people tell you, he didn't deserve it.

i know it's supposed to make someone feel better. but then it implies, you loved uselessly. this was a person who was not close to worthy of your love, and yet you, sappy romantic you, loved anyway. no. this time, i will tell people, and i will tell myself, trust in the difficult and come what may.

these words cradled me and rocked me back to sleep that was stolen:

"perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage... so you musn't be frightened if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. you must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall... since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change." ~rainer marie rilke in his 8th letter to a young poet