everyone else is struggling too

i was a mess at work this afternoon. luckily, it was past 5pm so most people were already gone, and i just closed my office door and bawled and talked to my sister on the phone. my lola (tagalog for grandmother) has terminal leukemia and is still hospitalized. my mom and i got in a stupid fight talking about it because we're both so stressed. my lola pretty much raised me as a child when my dad was in the US and my mom was working in bahrain. she's always been so proud of me, more than my own parents. she always bragged about my achievements to my other cousins and has constantly made me feel like the world was mine, that i could do anything, even when others doubted or condescended. now i am freaking out that i'm so far away, and i don't know if i should visit her soon for a significantly shorter amount of time (2 weeks or less) or wait until this summer when i can be there for 3 months but risk it being too late. i hate how money can limit something this crucial. if i could, i'd go twice. but one ticket's already $1200. there's no way of predicting the future, and nobody wants to tell me what to do, when to go, what i can live with... i don't even want to decide myself.